Who's Insane Now?
by angelicakes
Summary: Temari... Kankurou's talking to inanimate objects again. I think it's time for a little intervention.
1. Kumachan Starts It

"…Temari…" the voice of Gaara couldn't be mistaken. Temari slowly turned her gaze from the manga she was reading to Gaara standing in the doorway to her room inquisitively. He never came up to her very often for a demand or question or anything of the sort, much less looking as perturbed as he did now. Gaara looking perturbed? Sure, over time he had shown a little more expression in the daily things he did, but not much. Being perturbed was one of them. Very curious, she asked him what the matter was.

"It's Kankurou."

"…Kankurou? What's he up to this time?" Not too surprising that the matter had to do with the middle child. Sometimes he could be very dramatic and stir things up occasionally in their lives. It wasn't too often, but it occurred more than Gaara's ability to laugh.

"He's talking to my… er, he's talking to inanimate objects." Silence. Temari merely just blinked at Gaara, speechless. "I think he needs therapy," Gaara finished.

The oldest sibling clamped her book closed with an apprehensive sigh, shutting her eyes. _I can't be sure exactly what he means by talking to inanimate objects. Better go check it out. _She scooted off her carefully made bed and followed the kazekage to where Gaara's room, which was never used for sleeping in, was located upstairs. Prepared for the worst, Temari shoved the door open further to find Gaara's old teddy bear sitting on a desk, staring up at Kankurou with its one remaining beady eye. Hands on his hips, Kankurou stared back with more intensity, glaring down at the faded brown fabric of the teddy bear. Gaara felt embarrassed to know that both of them were aware that he still kept his bear after all these years, but even more so to have it talked to by his older brother. Temari didn't care; she was simply disgusted at what Kankurou was probably about to do.

"I highly doubt they're going to make me see a shrink," Kankurou told the teddy bear. "If anybody needs to do that, it's them. They'll have to once they see a teddy bear talking!" He smiled to himself, his mouth forming a wide grin. It was easy to see his expressions since he was not wearing that puppeteer hood.

"It's more on behalf of you talking to a teddy bear!" Temari snapped, marching over next to Kankurou, staring him suspiciously in the eyes. "Do you know how stupid you look?"

Kankurou blinked, shocked at Temari's sudden presence. "Wha? No… don't you see it?" He motioned towards the stationary bear, as still as always. Silent, too. "I mean, don't you _hear _it? You must be deaf."

"You must be insane," Temari retorted, shaking her head in repugnance. "Listen. You're not just putting up some stupid act, are you? Because it looks retarded. Very retarded."

Kankurou protested. "But it talks to me! Right?" He glanced at the motionless bear.

"…"

"See?"

"See what?" Temari asked, crossing her arms in the same fashion Gaara had done. He found this very amusing, yet he was starting to become concerned with the puppet master. "It's just a teddy bear. It's not making a sound."

"I think you need to get your ears checked or something." Kankurou shook his head. _Poor, poor deaf Temari…_

"You need to get your brain checked!" Temari snapped, heavily disliking being dissed. "Teddy bears can't and never will talk!"

"This one is! Right, Gaara? Can't you hear it speak?" He looked hopefully towards his younger brother, who stared blankly at the scene occurring in front of him.

"…No. I am sorry, Kankurou."

Temari's Ha-I'm-Right smirk played on her lips as she held a triumphant shove-it-in-your-face gaze. Kankurou cringed and glanced at the teddy bear again. Then to his siblings. Then the teddy bear. "He says you two are a bunch of impotent retards with no ears."

"At least we're not an impotent retard with no brain." Temari shoved Kankurou. "Stop it. It's not working." She turned around to return to the peaceful privacy of her room. Gaara and Kankurou exchanged glances, then watched Temari take her leave.

"It's fine if she doesn't believe me," Kankurou decided indifferently. "But I'm taking the bear. Me and him have issues to resolve."

Now. Kankurou could have done anything at the moment not to disturb Gaara's sense of diplomatic mind. He could have thrown a shoe at him. He could have declared that he had stopped being his brother all together. He could have danced the Macarena with no clothes on. But taking his teddy bear… his substitute companion over the hardest years of his life was unforgivable. The aquamarine eyes of Sabaku no Gaara narrowed crossly. "No you won't," he resolved, voice seeping with ice.

Kankurou's breath stopped. It had been a while before he had seen the redhead get this heated… and over a simple matter, as he put it. A tiny prick of fear had entered his eyes as he quickly snatched the bear hostage and darted out of the room, ready to kill his legs if necessary to get away from the angered teenager. This bear was smart! He couldn't let him just sit alone and unused in Gaara's room. He would get lonely again.

Gaara immediately was hot on his tail, ready to give up his life to protect his beloved bear. His feet pounded the floor in the rush to catch up to his brother. "Give him back!" he cried desperately as he flung three kunai knives at him. Seeing this, Kankurou spun around on the ball of his foot to avoid the sharp objects. This obviously meant business. Gaara seldom used kunai to get his way, if at all.

"What was that?" he asked, leaning the bear in closer to his left ear. He smiled malevolently. Picking up one of the knives that had stuck into the wall behind him, he placed it towards the bear's weak, tattered throat. Gaara's dark eyes widened in mild fear. "Stop chasing me… or the bear gets it."

They were right outside Temari's room. Noticing the racket outside, she sighed in a fed-up fashion and walked out to see what kind of commotion Kankurou was causing now. The door opened and she peeked out to find that Kankurou was smiling deviously and ready to detach the teddy's head from its body, and Gaara standing in horror. This was a very interesting scene.

"Hand over Kuma-chan and nobody gets hurt," Gaara warned, slightly blushing in embarrassment for slipping out the bear's name. Nobody should ever know that he did something like that. Too late. It only enhanced Kankurou's smirk.

"If you really want him to stay in tact, you'll let me keep him," Kankurou bartered, clutching the kunai closer to the dividing line. Gaara swallowed, ready to use sand if needed. Temari rolled her eyes and grabbed Kankurou's shoulder, surprising him once again with her presence.

"Kankurou…" she growled, jerking him closer by the material of his shirt and nearly tripping him. "Just give him the freaking bear. You're giving me a headache of massive proportions."

Kankurou looked down sadly at the bear. "Kuma-chan says that he'd rather stay with me for a while and teach me the ways of speaking to more inanimate objects." It infuriated Gaara to hear his brother call _his_ bear by the name _he _had given it when really young, so sand began to shift around Kankurou and envelop him in a hastily made prison of sand. Temari let go. Kankurou stopped breathing in fear, having been scarred from the sand after being with Gaara so much and knowing what it could do to him.

"Give me the bear and you won't have to give me your life," he threatened, holding up a hand to show the effects of him tightening his grip. Kankurou swallowed. Temari, in some state of slight fear, drew back a little. Was he this serious about his teddy bear? Still, despite how annoying he was being, she didn't want Kankurou to get killed for such a stupid reason.

"Give him the damn bear," she hissed.

"…" Kankurou sadly looked down at his new friend. He had ventured into the room of the kazekage to place Gaara's laundry, as Temari had ordered him, down on the desk, when he heard a voice speak to him. _"Hey."_

Kankurou had looked around in confusion. "Huh? Who's that?"

"_The bear to your left. Hello."_

"…You're kidding."

"_Does it look like I'm kidding?"_

"Huh. Would you look at that? A talking teddy bear."

"_Yes. How have you been?"_

"Uh… fine, I guess. Nothing too exciting."

"_Ah. I know your pain. Lying around being a wad of cotton and fabric isn't very exciting either."_

"Oh. Must be a sad life."

"_Yeah. You guessed it."_

"I need therapy."

"_No. Don't consider such drastic measures! If you can keep your insanity, you will be able to do magnificent things."_

"So I'm more insane than when Gaara would scream at random in the night and talk to his own sand as if it were kaa-san? That's pretty amazing."

"_Yeah, and I'll tell you something amazing if you keep your insanity. Eventually, you'll be able to hear even your puppets talk to you."_

"Really? Oh! That sounds pretty cool. I've always wanted to hear what Karasu would say."

"_It takes a level of concentration and ability to handle this insanity. You up to it?"_

"Damn straight!"

It felt like only yesterday. Well… it actually occurred today, but that wasn't the point. Now he was gazing solemnly at the bear he had talked to. "Goodbye, Kuma-chan. Thank you," he whispered, throwing it to Gaara. He caught it with ease, turning around and walking away. Little known to his siblings, he was holding onto Kuma-chan tight and telling him how he would never let such a dirty man touch him again.

"…Kankurou? What was that about?"

_Uh-oh. He had some explaining to do._


	2. Vases Are Perverted

Temari had made her way over to the side of her bed, heat seeping through her veins yet managing a calm exterior. What the hell was Kankurou thinking? He took it that far to snatch Gaara's teddy bear? It wasn't seriously talking to him, anyway. However, his rash actions still made her wonder. Normally, Kankurou wouldn't dare touch Gaara's things when he knew it would probably irritate the old demon inside of him that still remained even after Akatsuki had ripped it out. Kankurou followed sheepishly, leaning against the opposite wall and gazing towards the floor with a blank expression, biting a small amount of his lower lip in tension. _I must have seemed pretty crazy to her… to both of them, hadn't I? I know a talking teddy bear is an unbelievable story, but it happened! _It was also very stupid to spark Gaara's fury.

"Sooo…" Temari began, crossing her legs and placing her hands up under his chin for a headrest, fixing her eyes on her younger brother intently. "What was that all about back there? You know better than to make Gaara turn into a brat again."

"…" He was too embarrassed to say anything. How could he begin?

"Well? I asked a question, I expect an answer."

Kankurou heaved a very heavy sigh, moving his eyes up to the ceiling and slouching more against the wall. "I dunno. The damn bear was talking. I couldn't let it just _sit _there."

His sister's eyebrows raised in amusement, yet they were still mocking. "Sure you couldn't. I mean, it wouldn't have _upset _Gaara if you had grabbed one of his possessions and ran off with it."

"Ugh. Shut up, Temari, I know."

She smiled sadistically, enjoying how shameful it was for Kankurou. "Then why did you do it?"

"The bear was talking!" He slammed his head while moving it downwards to face Temari, opening his arms out to emphasize what he was saying was true. "I already told you that!"

"Uh-huh."

"No!"

"You really think I would believe such crap? Stop trying to entertain our lives. I think we've had enough."

Kankurou was beginning to show signs of frustration. "Why can't you believe me for one second of my life? The fucking bear was talking. Why else would I make Gaara freak out like that; you know I don't like it when he does."

Temari chuckled a little, shaking her head while still resting on her hands. "Kankurou… so hopeless." The anger had been cleansed from her over this conversation that she felt she was winning over. The puppeteer frowned deeply, crossing his arms in aggravation. It was his turn to feel the exasperation. Temari's eyes now bore into her brother's from the moderate distance.

"…I don't give a fuck if you don't believe me," he snorted, turning to stomp out the door. The smile on Temari's mouth creased wider. It always felt good to have the upper hand.

Meanwhile, he marched off to brood inside his room or something. _Stupid Temari! _He thought with bitterness. _She thinks she's so clever, doesn't she? It's not very favorable that I have a far-fetched story. I hated that smirk so much I wanted to rip it right off her face and stomp on it till it was nothing but a bloody pulp underneath my foot. _He sneered at the visual of it all, satisfying his infuriation. _"Well, what's that naughty smirk I see on your face?" _Kankurou halted right there, eyes going rather wide. Was he hearing things again?

"…What the hell?" His eyes wandered around the area, searching desperately for the source of the speaking.

"_I see. Kuma-chan must have helped you. Good job." _Where was the noise coming from?

"Who are you?" Kankurou asked dumbly, a matching expression on his face.

"_The vase with the pretty flowers in it on the table next to you. Hello." _This voice sounded more wispy and low than Kuma-chan's high-pitched, bubbly sound that resembled a young child. Regardless of the tone, Kankurou's eyes were fixated on the indigo glass vase that held an assortment of red and purple flowers, holding triangular designs on the rim and wherever it curved. It sat there motionlessly on the table in the dining area.

"…Oh. Nice… meeting you, I guess?" It was still awkward talking to the vase. He made sure nobody was around.

"_Nice to meet you too. I am quite vain, so shower me with compliments whenever you can."_

Creepy. "Yeah. Sure."

"_You seem to doubt my existence. Are you doing okay?"_

Kankurou sighed, shaking his head solemnly. With a sigh, he replied, "Temari is being a bitch. She doesn't believe a word I say."

_"I like Temari. She's very sweet to my flowers."_

Kankurou snorted in disgust. "Yeah, but it's too bad she can't be the same for her brother."

_"I don't doubt her. She has reasons to think you are weird. Just accept the facts of life and show your true colors."_

Kankurou raised an eyebrow at the vase. "Want me to break you?"

_"No! That would be dreadful. I would loose my precious flowers and be shattered across the carpet, never again to sit here on the table and display my beauty."_ The vase sounded woeful now.

"Sure. Very dreadful."

_"Oh sigh… I feel we aren't getting on very well as a first start. I really did not mean any harm with my words."_

"…It's fine, I guess. What's it like to be a vase, anyway?"

_"Lovely. I get to hold flowers inside me and decorate the place while people eat. My colors contrast and I stand out. It feels nice to be admired."_

"You are very vain."

_"Yes… but what else can I do? It's a pleasant purpose. Now, about Temari… I think she is very pretty. You happen to know where she is?"_

The puppeteer gave it a strange glance. "I'd rather not."

_"Oh, please? She is one of the only things that can beat my flowers."_

"When they're wilted, that is." His voice held tons of resentment. Temari was being a bitch.

_"You only say such things because she is your sister. It is very delightful when she touches me with such gentle care. I wish I had lips, otherwise I would kiss her when she smiles so delicately."_

Kankurou gave it the most disturbed glance that matched his feelings perfectly. "Ew… what the heck are you saying?" He wasn't sure what kind of sick mind the vase possessed.

"_What else would I be saying? Your sister is wonderful. She has nice eyes… pretty hair… an irresistible ass… delectable titties…" _The vase was going to die.

"What kind of a sick mind to vases possess, anyway? That's… that's nasty beyond my own comprehension!" he snarled. It was definitely much worse than the glass object had brought on. It had sexual thoughts? About his sister? Eeeeeeww! His dark eyes could melt holes into the vase at this moment while he swiped it off the table and got ready to chuck it against the wall. "Don't you EVER talk about Temari that way again! Sick pervert! Sick… lesbian pervert! Ugh, you disgust me!"

"_Now hold up! First of all, you don't need to get violent about this. I just admire Temari-chan's beauty. Second of all, she will get even angrier once she discovers the vase in shards. Lastly, who said I was female? I am asexual."_

Kankurou bared his teeth at the disturbing household object, then slammed it down upon the table. It shook, almost breaking, creating a noise of shock as it claimed vibrations were going on through its body. The next thing the brunette felt was a fist bonking him on the head softly. His hand instinctively rose to that spot as he turned around to see Temari raising an eyebrow at him, an uncertain expression on her face. "…What the hell are you blabbering about?"

"…"

"It was about me."

"…….."

"Who's a pervert?"

"……………."

Her hands went to her hips as she gave him a 'you're weird' glare. "Don't tell me you were trying to talk to another inanimate object again."

"Gah! What do you think?" Oh no… he felt embarrassed again. It replaced the fury he held for the vase talking about his sister in such a way. He was surprised how defensive he got when he was currently livid at her.

"…I think you need serious help." She gave a sideways frown and walked off, leaving Kankurou to his own self. He glared at Temari's back turned, then at the vase, which was sighing dreamily as she walked by. He just wanted to puke.

Temari was only mildly concerned, though this still seemed like some gag being pulled. _He's still talking to objects? I'm really beginning to wonder. _


	3. The Cookie That Couldn't

Once Kuma-chan was properly assembled inside the closet, hidden quite well, as Gaara proposed, underneath a blanket and some clothes while placed properly on a bean bag chair, he rolled it shut, leaving the much-loved bear to itself. He almost smiled, knowing full well that Kankurou wouldn't dare mess with him again, and even if he did, he would have to do some searching to uncover the worn-out stuffed animal. He strolled over to the window that contained no glass like most windows in Suna. The afternoon sun was setting, flashing an orange and red blaze over the bumpy horizon. The house was located close by his workplace, so it was never a hassle to come back and forth. The sunset painted the buildings gold under the darkening sky, as if being touched by angels. Sometimes, Suna could really screw Konoha over in brilliance. It too could be a beautiful jewel of a country.

Another human standing next to him gave him a bit of a shock. He should have been able to tell Temari had come in if it had not been for the striking beauty of the waning day outside his window. She sighed without expression, leaning against the bottom frame and peering out towards the fascinating view. He liked it that his siblings would get closer to him now that they respected him more and he no longer refused bonds that tied people together. It felt good to be treated as a person instead of a monster or be loved for more than a precarious tool. His focus went towards his sister, her hair also catching some of the dying sunlight, giving the blond some brilliant sheen. He wondered how sunset gold looked in maroon hair.

"Kankurou was talking to something else again," Temari started.

Gaara shut his eyes. _My brother is hopeless… that is the most stupid way to bring attention to oneself. _"He did, did he? Idiot."

"I think it was something about a pervert. He told the vase not to talk to me in such a way ever again. It really makes me wonder what the hell he's thinking."

"If he does it one more time, tell him he won't be getting any missions any time soon. He will also be unable to leave his country for a while." Harsh, but acceptable. He was his brother, after all, and he had all rights to punish him in such ways. He _did _have more political power than him, anyway. "I may even place him under house arrest for a while. He insists he's insane. Best not to let a mentally unstable person wander around, right?" A smug smile played on his lips without his intention. Temari noticed the smile, a rare action for Gaara to do.

"Yeah." She left the window and stepped back a bit. The remaining sunbeams glowed in Gaara's maroon hair, making them look blood red and very lively.

Meanwhile, about an hour later, Kankurou ventured around the house listening for voices. _They could be anywhere… can't they? I mean, that perverted vase talked to me out of the blue, so… maybe a ceiling lamp or the fridge will say something. Maybe the phone or the TV will talk! Aaaah, the TV IS talking! Oh, wait… forget those two then. They're supposed to talk to you. _He slunk close to the kitchen, pressed up against a wall, watching his surroundings cautiously. Nobody should catch him doing something so… suspicious. If Temari did, she'd slap him. If Gaara did… well, he didn't know what the Kazekage would do about this. He wouldn't KILL him like he would three years ago… would he? He'd rather not think about that. Peering in behind the doorway leading to the kitchen, he spotted Gaara munching on a nighttime snack of cookies and milk, a recent addiction of the Kazekage. He could just stroll in casually as if nothing were suspicious, couldn't he? So that was what Kankurou did.

When Gaara caught movement in the same room, his eyes shifted in the direction of the footsteps. He gave his older brother a funny look, which was very mild and almost undetectable, but Kankurou, having lived with the jinchuuriki for years, was accustomed to his minor facial expressions, and knew how to dig up each subtle meaning. Already he felt on edge. Gaara's eyes unhooked from the puppeteer as he picked up another cookie and took a big bite from it, afterwards washing it down with his glass of milk. He loved chocolate chip cookies.

Meanwhile, Kankurou pretended to search for something in the fridge. Maybe one of the food items would whisper something? Since Gaara didn't seem to mind him, he felt a little better. Things only got worse as he heard a tiny voice scream, "_Help me!" _His eyes scanned the fridge for the source of the noise. When it cried out for help once again, he shut the fridge in slight panic. _Okay, so something is in dire need of aid. Where is it? _The cupboards? No, they were definitely all in tact. The garbage can? Nah… unless it needed to be taken out because it smelled horrible. The table? No… wait. What was ON the table? He swallowed a lump in his throat. No… the damn cookies. The damn cookies SABAKU NO GAARA was eating. He'd be screaming for help too if he were one of those cookies.

He made his way towards the dining area, connected to the kitchen. How could he look casual? Already he could tell his little brother was wary of his presence. And how would he snatch a cookie from him? He could only imagine the reaction. _"Please… mister! Help me!" _The poor lump of baked dough! He sat directly next to Gaara, resting his elbow on the surface of the table and giving the vase a nasty side glare as it reminded him of how badly it wanted to do his sister. Gaara merely glanced at his brother, then grabbed another cookie and bit its head off. Wait… head? Cookies had no heads. He was becoming delusional too. He swallowed hard once again. "H-hey, Gaara," he acknowledged, managing a weak smile. Gaara once again moved his aqua eyes up to meet those of Kankurou. "…What?" he asked, disliking the disruption of his cookie ceremony.

"Well… Temari asked me to get you. She wants to see you for something," he lied. Yes. Perfect strategy. He could make Gaara leave for a short while. When he comes back in question, he will wonder where Kankurou went off to. If he did look for him, he will be hiding with the cookie! Besides, how important was one little cookie, anyway? He could always get more.

Gaara chewed on his cookie a bit more. "No," he declined with his mouth full. "If it's so important, bring her to me." Shit. That plan was foiled instantly.

"Oh… probably not important, then." He paused for a moment, thinking up another thing to say. "…Can I have a cookie?" A futile attempt, but it was worth a try.

"No." A simple, thoughtless response.

"They're not your cookies, you know."

"Then why don't you get some more if you really want one?" He bit a chunk off his current cookie after dipping it in milk. "Honestly, Kankurou."

Kankurou clenched his hidden fist. Damn, this wasn't going so well. And at any rate, of the four remaining cookies, his was sure to be chosen next. He watched as he gulped down the remains of the cookie he had been nibbling on this whole conversation. He reached for another one. _"HELP! HE'S GOT ME!" _Panic rushed through Kankurou's blood. He had to save the innocent soul from the terror of Gaara's innards! It just didn't seem fair; he had no chance to escape otherwise without moveable limbs! With some hesitation, he snatched the cookie from Gaara's fingers just as they were about to hit the rim of the glass and bolted off his chair.

A normal person would have just stared in disbelief and let it go, perhaps with some yelling involved. But Gaara was no ordinary human being. He shot a glare made of ice, stood abruptly, and chucked his chair at his brother's head. It hit him just as expected. Nobody should mess with the Kazekage, especially when he was enjoying his nighttime milk and cookies. When Kankurou hit the floor, he finished it off with approaching the defeated puppeteer, glass of milk in hand. He poured it on top of his hair, not forgetting to let some slide down his neck. The cookie was in crumbles. He shrugged and went off to get another.

Kankurou's rescue mission had failed horribly. He cringed at the smell of defeat, the crumbled cookie, and the cold, liquid substance sticking to his hair and cascading down his neck and into his clothes. "You look pathetic," he heard Gaara remark as he retrieved his chair. "Get up." He made his way back to the table, sitting back down with a fresh glass of milk and more cookies.

Kankurou's head tilted to the side as he gazed at the deceased cookie. "…I'm sorry," he whispered solemnly. "…So young…" Gaara could only give him amused glances. He shook his head. _Is my brother really insane? I'm starting to think this isn't an act. To actually take precious belongings from me… first Kuma-chan, now the cookie. Besides, it wasn't like he was trying to draw attention to himself when he apologized to the 'dead' cookie. _Maybe he needed to consult somebody if this continued. He nibbled on his cookie thoughtfully.


	4. Overdose Me Baby

The next morning, Kankurou awoke with a headache. "Ugh…" he gurgled to himself, rubbing his messy hair and sitting up in his bed downstairs. He blinked twice to finally get at least some of his vision back. "Must be the damn chair's fault," he murmured sleepily, yawning briefly before scooting off the bed and into a pair of navy blue slippers to go on a long trek to retrieve Aspirin or something that performed similar effects.

He looked like very much disorder. His hair was still a bit sticky from the milk incident, eyes tired, head droopy, and an invisible bump on his scalp from the chair. Hopefully he wouldn't run into anybody like Temari who could dog him about anything he did yesterday.

Reaching the bathroom, he groggily opened the cabinet and almost blindingly reached for the big white bottle with the small white pills in them… took him three tries or so, but eventually he got what he wanted. Unscrewing the cap, he grabbed a pill with his index finger and thumb and was about to take it without any water when suddenly he heard voices again. _"You might want to take two," _it suggested. Kankurou blinked once; caught in still motion while holding the pill up, ready to drop it inside his mouth. "Eh?"

"_Oh, don't act stupid. This headache must be very hard for you. Feel free to take two of my pills." _He held the container up dumbly as he turned it around to check the expiration date, just in case he was being delusional again.

"So I take it you can talk to me and understand me too," Kankurou guessed in a bored manner. "AND you have perverted thoughts, the ability to die, and the capability of manipulating my thoughts."

"_Somewhat. Though… perverted thoughts?"_

"The vase."

"_Oh. I don't know it. Perhaps it is best I don't."_

"Good decision. So you're the pill bottle?"

"_Yes, indeed. Hello."_

It was still rather creepy how most objects introduced themselves with a single 'hello' after their sentence. His eye twitched once. Despite what the bottle said, the pill probably wasn't contaminated. With some hesitation, he plopped the pill directly into his mouth, rolling his tongue around the bitter flavor, then gathering enough strength to swallow it whole. Just like the bottle said, he grabbed another pill and swallowed that one too.

"_Another one."_

Kankurou gave the bottle a funny look. "What?"

"_Take another."_

"…Why?"

"_Because you need it. Trust me."_

Kankurou chuckled. "Well, I wouldn't be surprised." He shrugged and reached for another pill, dropping it in his mouth with no hesitation.

"…_Take another."_

Now Kankurou pulled a face that was no match for the one he had earlier. "What are you trying to do, make me sick? I already took three. Just in case you don't know, I'm not Gaara." His brother usually overdosed on the aspirin. It was a bad habit of his.

"_As a matter of fact, you should take two more."_

"…This has to be a joke."

"_You're not laughing."_

"…Okay, well, I can't argue with that. But why would any sane person need five pills?"

"_But you're not sane."_

Kankurou's brows creased at the bottle he held in his hand, and he got a tiny urge to crush it. "I'm perfectly sane, thanks."

"You can say that while talking to a pill bottle? Please…" 

He really couldn't blame the bottle for saying that. He truly was talking to a pill bottle. He sighed, feeling his headache grow worse, and decided to take three more pills.

"_Feeling better?" _it inquired expectantly. "_No?"_

"Somewhat. I took six pills; I think that's enough." He reached for the cabinet to place the container back in its old spot for Gaara's next use.

"_Wait wait wait!" it cried in a hurry._

"What what what?" Kankurou asked tiredly. "Come on, I took six."

"_Just one more? It would help me lots."_

The puppeteer thought for a long, hard moment. "Fine," he grumbled, taking another damn pill. "That's all." He hurriedly popped it back into the cabinet and shut it before the bottle could say any more. What a stupid idea. Allowing the pill bottle to boss him around? Maybe he was insane.

Later, after he had taken a shower and eaten breakfast, he found himself feeling rather swamped and ill. Dizzy, he collapsed onto the couch in the main room, staring up at the ceiling like it was a complex puzzle. Of course, the only thought crossing his mind was _Damn aspirin. I overdosed. _Naturally, Temari figured something wasn't right.

"Idiot. Why did you overdose? I usually only have to get after Gaara for that, but you too? God, you're all just a bunch of pill-poppers!" She flung up one hand that used to be resting on her hip in exasperation. Kankurou sighed repulsively.

"I had a bad headache, Temari."

She snorted. "Gaara takes less than you sometimes, and he has worse headaches."

"The damn pill bottle forced me!"

She raised a curious eyebrow. "The bottle tells you to take one or two."

"It told me to take seven!"

She rolled her eyes, thinking that her brother was probably trying to cover himself up in order to look smarter. "Look. Want me to get the bottle? I could read it nice and slow for you." She began turning around, until Kankurou held out a hand.

"Stop! I know, it reads 'one or two', but it _said _seven."

This only greatly confused the blonde. "…Huh?"

"It said seven."

The kunoichi thought about this for a moment. It didn't take long before she began snorting in laughter, almost collapsing forwards. "Not about this again! You stupid moron! Ahahaha… stop talking to these lifeless objects, it only makes you look completely retarded." She stifled her laughter near the end. Kankurou made a sort of pouty face on the couch and refused to look at her.

"Why don't you believe me?" he grumbled. "Of all people, surely you would be most considerate."

She looked at him seriously this time. "Well, Kankurou… that doesn't really happen. Sure, Gaara would talk to 'Mom' and himself from time to time, but it wasn't a random vase or a stuffed bear. The only thing I'd classify you as is 'insane.'" She approached the couch and began to sit on the arm of it; the one Kankurou's head was resting close to.

"It does!" he argued. "And I'm NOT insane!"

"Sure you are. And Baki-sensei wears playboy underwear."

Kankurou wasn't sure if that were actually true or not, but he retorted anyway, "Just go away if it concerns you so much. I don't need your suggestions." He wanted to add 'bitch' in the sentence, but he didn't want to unleash her wild fury.

She chuckled a bit and swiped at his soft hair. "Well, if it gets any worse, I'm calling the meds. Overdose is considered poison." She got up.

"Whatever."

Smiling to herself, she left. Kankurou was just glad she was in a good mood. Once again, he had the urge to puke.


	5. A Most Disagreeable Lotion

In order to escape from the horrors of what his siblings considered insanity (and what he slowly accepted as so), he sat frozen in front of the TV set in the living room, expressionless, watching a game show full of new and minor celebrities attempting to team up against others in obstacle courses, trivia matches, and all the like. It kept him pretty distracted. Temari or Gaara could float by, focus on him for a quick second, then drift back to what they were doing, feeling safe that Kankurou wasn't talking to himself other than words of cheering or cursing the material on the screen. Thankfully, the occasional one-sided conversation with the television was normal. What a relief.

Unfortunately, as the puppeteer was getting wrapped up in seeing the barrel racing portion of the show, he began to hear words from a mere trinket situated on the low coffee table in front of the sofa and the set. _"You seriously think Nakamori Mai is going to win in the women's races? You're fucking jaded."_

If he was wary, Kankurou would have widened his eyes, forgot everything he had just seen on TV, then drop his jaw, frightened by the odd bubbly voice located in front of him somewhere. But he was much too focused to care that the voice did not belong to Temari, Gaara, or anyone else he knew that didn't have odd vocal issues. "Fuck yes! She's hot; if she's got nice legs, she's gonna win! Lookit' those long sexy limbs! She's like boobs on legs!"

"_Jaded."_

Kankurou snapped to glare at the person sitting next to him, behind him, in front of him, or even above him, yet nobody was present. Furrowing his eyebrows and trying to avoid the new frustrating situation at hand, he shot the glare towards the TV screen, at the girl the new voice was cheering on. _Fair enough, _he thought. "I can't believe they thought to put _Hirano Aya _on this show," he retorted. "Shitastic."

"_Better than that newcoming loser. I've barely heard of her." _The object sounded smug.

_Oh shit. _Kankurou was becoming aware that he STILL continued to hold a conversation with something that likely didn't have a soul to begin with.

Nonetheless, Temari had even entered the room, given Kankurou a cursory glance, and then smiled, leaving the room. Oh, hell yes. She didn't even realize he was talking to something invisible to their pathetic little ears. He was about to say something in response to the voice he was hearing, but decided against it, since it would indeed sound like he was holding a conversation with someone in the room. He could hear her opening cupboards in the kitchen, placing things on the counter, and decided she was probably fixing something up for herself. For now, he could NOT say anything, for fear she would mock or scold him.

She had decided to enter the room again and set herself right next to Kankurou. Crap. What if the inanimate object made a smartass comment? What would he say then? Nothing, obviously. He would just have to ignore it. If that was possible…

"Ah." She had a bowl of ice cream; three scoops or more. Kankurou grinned shortly.

"Hey. You know eating too much of that stuff will make you fat. That's very unbecoming of a kunoichi such as yourself."

She shot him a piercing glare, then went back to her cold love in a bowl. Ha. She knew perfectly well what it could do to her, yet she couldn't stop. He continued badgering her. "And you tell _me _I have no self-control."

"Can it, catboy." A derogatory term used for his puppeteer hood, which he wasn't wearing at the moment. Shameful, shameful.

"You know that doesn't offend me anymore, right?"

"I know, I overuse it. I have to look at that stupid outfit almost all the time; I can't help myself."

"Tch." Kankurou growled minutely. He directed his gaze back at the TV screen, disdained to notice that his girl had lost the race with the popular voice actor and singer, who totally overshadowed his girl. Hirano Aya… "Dammit!"

"_Told ya. Amateur."_

"What did you say?"

Temari gave him a questioning look, inky eyes wide and one cheek full of ice cream. She blinked. "Kankurou?" she mumbled, swallowing the frozen dairy product.

"Shit!" he hissed, knowing that he slipped. What the hell was talking to him, anyway? His gaze darted from object to object on the table. There was the remote, an incense burner, a bottle of lotion, an empty glass of water, and a few magazines stacked on top of one another, the first one looking rather bland. What could it be?

"Don't tell me," she scrutinized in a warning tone. "Stop that."

"What are you talking about?" he hastily defended, looking at the screen again to avoid her gape, trying instead to watch the next contestant in the dash competition. He wasn't paying attention at all to what he pretended to.

"_Don't deny me," _the object teased. Kankurou managed to ignore retaliation.

Temari sighed. "Fess up. Is it an act? Or do you need help?"

"I don't need help," he mumbled irately, bunching his legs up onto the sofa.

"Then quit the act. It's been going on for a few days. That's enough."

"Yeah, yeah." Truthfully, though, he really was hearing voices, clear as crystal. He just hated to admit it now that his siblings were scorning him for having open ears.

Temari was fed up and finished with Kankurou for now. After all, she wasn't planning on hanging around. Besides, she felt rather offended with her ice cream and all, and if Kankurou was going to be this unpleasant, there was no point in catching the disease. She got up and left. Kankurou grinned, wondering exactly why he was glad she had moved away.

"_Does your sister always pick on you?" _the questionable object asked.

"What do you think? Ugh, she's so unpleasant."

"_Agreed. How do you think I feel being put on her skin every day?"_

Kankurou's eyes were immediately directed to the only option left: the bottle of lotion. They narrowed dangerously. "You."

"_What?"_

"You're the little bastard."

"_Why, yes, I am the little bastard, and I smell of fresh apple blossoms. Hello." _Again with the creepy introductions. Honestly, despite how amusing it was to have objects speak with you, it was starting to get on Kankurou's nerves. They only got him in trouble and humiliated him.

With this in mind, he shot forwards and swiped it from its resting spot, holding it a few inches from his face and beaming a cold glare. Indeed, it had menacing white flowers decorating the paper label, and it did kind of reek with the floral scent from the position it was held. "Don't you dare use that tone with me. You have no idea what I could do with you."

"_Oh? Is that a challenge?"_

"Yeah! Because, in all seriousness, what are you gonna do to me?"

"_Well, my only purpose is to have my innards be squeezed out through my mouth."_

It didn't take even a second after that statement before Kankurou's fingers bound disturbingly tight around the plastic, and even less time for the goopy liquid to mask his eyes. The puppeteer was screaming. The lotion bottle was laughing.

"_Don't mess with the best, sucka!"_

Kankurou was backing until he collided with the arm of the sofa rather roughly, forcing his body to collapse into itself and have gravity pull him into a crumple on the ground. "Owwwww! What the fuck?" he was roaring.

"…What the fuck indeed."

"Just… leave me alone, you pansy apple blossom! For all I care, I'll take you back upstairs and make you touch Temari!"

"…What on _Earth _are you saying?"

"You heard me! I'll smear you all over her boobs; that'll show both of us who is the master!"

"Kankurou… I am repulsed."

"You should be… oh. Oh. Oh! FUCK!!!"

Well, this was totally uncalled for. Damn brother for being so silent and impossibly stealthy. Once his eyes had been wiped, there he was, standing in the doorway with a hand on a point above his hip and the other on what appeared to be a lollipop in his mouth (due to a sweet fetish as of recently; they came in phases), his brow turned down grotesquely at the pathetic, blinded heap on the floor. Damn, his eyes stung… he just decided to close his eyes and pretend Gaara did not hear him shriek those morbid comments.

"Please. Temari's boobs? I would rather not be wiped against gelatinous blobs of fat and hormones, especially if they belong to my sister. You're nauseating."

It sunk in even more. Kami-sama obviously despised him.

That was when Gaara decided it was time to take his leave. He left Kankurou behind to wallow in his painful experiences. Naturally, Gaara would be concerned over such a vastly upsetting matter. It was now horribly likely that his siblings mentally diagnosed him as highly disturbed.

Honestly, though; who could blame them?

Once he decided he had taken enough time to collect himself, he steadied himself to his feet, hobbled and groped to the kitchen sink, and took the water into the palms of his hands in order to flush his eyes out. Ooh, that damn lotion bottle has been silent for a _pretty damn_ long time. He more than hoped the impact of the squeeze had killed the fucking thing.

He ventured back out to the living room, the only sign of life filtering from the television, that is, if you were considered normal and set straight in the head. Kankurou wasn't; the poor guy. Instead, he grit his teeth at the sound of _"So you decided to come back, eh? I see." _The offending bottle was lying on the floor, lifeless.

"Why wouldn't I? We have a score to settle." He approached Temari's lotion, standing directly above it, giving it a glare full of hampered rage.

"_Oh no, please no…"_

"What I was accidentally telling Gaara? Forget that; that's nasty. However… what exactly happens when you run out of your precious lotion? After all, I'm pretty sure you're just a fucking plastic bottle." He reached down and scooped it up, holding it with one hand and smirking, pleased to know he was probably intimidating it.

"_I get thrown in the trash."_

"Ooh, harsh. But you know what?" He began to walk away from the location and move towards the door, stepping outside to greet the arid desert air. Stepping off the small elevation, he ignored the slight blistering pain of the hot sand swallowing his toes as he snuck around the house, met the side of it, and without any sort of hesitation, unscrewed the top of the lotion, oblivious to the complaints and warnings it bubbled. He cackled insanely to himself as the off-white colored goop plopped out from the neck of the bottle and onto the sand in blobs. Due to the whipping wind of his homeland, the pile of lotion, which was covered by shade compliments to the house and time of day, was beginning to get covered in minute grains of sand. "How do ya like me now?" he challenged, holding the now empty container in front of his face and laughing overdramatically. All it could do was whimper softly.

"…_You're mean…"_

"YES!" So, with that said and done, he scattered back into the house, setting the empty bottle back on the low table for it to be eventually disposed of by Temari. The perfect plan; all he had to do was wait.

It was not that easy.

After spending hours down in the basement of his room, the puppeteer emerged again, blinking due to the contrasting lights. Blindly, he turned the corner down the hall in order to reach the bathroom when _BAM- _he collided with his sweet older sister.

Well, sweet. Let's rewind a bit, shall we? Let's not forget the look of sour bitch who had just passed by the table in the living room to find that her beautifully fragrant lotion had been spent so quickly and not even at her own utilization.

"Oh… hey, Temari, what's-"

"I DON'T CARE what sort of damn self-diagnosis this is you're giving yourself, but that's no excuse to dump half of _my_ fucking lotion, the one _I _spent _my_ money on, outside! Gaara saw what you did, and believe me, boy, there's no apology available at this point! This is the point of no return!" Temari looked scary, her dark blue eyes shady and more sinister, her lips turned down into an obvious frown and her eyebrows narrowed dangerously. Uh-oh. See, despite how much taller he was compared to her, this was probably more daunting than wearing a red clown suit that put the color of hot sauce to shame amidst a herd of angry bulls. He swallowed.

There was much beating to be commenced. Gaara heard this around the corner, concealed as always, and clicked his tongue, sighing in shame and apprehension. _Kankurou won't stop talking to inanimate objects._ _I'm definitely worried._


	6. The Towel Touched My Hip

"Bitch," the embittered puppeteer growled, hobbling towards the bathroom, pride once again shattered by his siblings. "She's lucky I didn't tear her apart. Hell, she should be lucky I'm her brother! Brothers can't kill their sisters!" He ripped the door open and tumbled in, scowling at his wind-licked face, complete with scratches, nicks, and cuts. Reflection wounding his senseless pride even more, he tore away from the mirror and begrudgingly found a towel, placing it on top of the washing machine and kicking open the shower door.

"…Sisters can't kill their brothers, either!" He began the task of removing his clothes, stripping them from his body with feverish vigor. "I bet that lotion cost a minute's worth of work anyway, not Kankurou's life!"

Gaara walked in, halting as the jounin emerged topless. "Hey, Kankurou. Sorry to interrupt one of your many soliloquies, but you left the door opened." The Kazekage meant well, but his face remained lethargic.

Growling, Kankurou whirled around and bit the air in front of Gaara with his words. "I know! Leave me alone right now, Gaara! Knowing you, you'd probably ghost in here with my pants off!" Donning his eternal scowl, Kankurou waved his hand in hopes of dismissing the little disturbance.

"You're not talking to something again, are you?"

"No! Why would I-"

"Because you've been doing it for at least two days. That, and I'd assume if you're talking to somebody while you're getting undressed, nobody else is in the room with you." He blinked. "Then again I could be wrong. I don't know any of your frie-"

"Tch! Why would I-- No Gaara, go away. Please. I'm not talking to anything."

Gaara shrugged. "I'll take your word for it. After all, before this whole thing started, you did have the creepiest tendencies to talk to yourself." With that cleared up, the redheaded teen left his brother to his own devices, trusting him to hold back on any atypical urges. He even took on the burden of closing the door for him. Kankurou snorted and started on removing his pants, his thoughts a sour mass of hatred and distress. He blamed it both on Temari and the aspirin he'd been forced to take.

With a negative outlook, Kankurou took his shower. It took him a while only because he refused to face the condescending looks of his high-and-mighty siblings and he absolutely _rejected_ the notion of watching Temari's smirk alight upon her face. Soaking wet, he exit the shower and snagged the towel off its perch, bringing it to his body and rubbing it all over in his attempts to get dry.

Quietly mumbling, he finally tied it around his hips and begrudgingly left the bathroom in hopes of returning to his basement, probably to growl at himself some more and work on new poisons for his puppet techniques. It took a bitter mood sometimes to conjure the sickest blends.

In the middle of the main room, however, a snuggly voice rose and spoke to him. "_Kankurou_!" He had to stop.

"…Oh, no way. Look, I don't have time; can't you see I'm _naked?_"

"_Oh, I can see that perfectly. Actually, I can see quite a bit…"_

"Gah!" Kankurou felt exposed. His eyes darted warily around the room at the distasteful household object, indicating shelves full of books and dvds and pictures and other materials, holding his towel anxiously in place. "Well, then where the hell are you?"

"_Perhaps it is best you don't know." _

"Huh. Well, bye then." The puppeteer left in a hurry, moving his legs like a bicycle pedal to reach the sanctity of his room. He was almost there when he heard the unusual voice _again._

"_I thought you were going to ditch me or something. But I guess I'm wrong…"_

His eyes shot wide. "No way in… God, no!" He pried the cotton offender off of his lower body and cringed, unnaturally terrified of the light green heap across the hall. "That's disgusting! Hey, how come you decided to start talking _after _I put you on? Huh?" Rage decorated his voice as he pointed with one finger and attempted to cover his bits and pieces with the other.

"…Why aren't you talking? Start talking! Now!" He gritted his teeth and continued to glare needles at the ugly color in the dark.

"_I thought it would be obvious."_

"So you're just like the vase? Oh, God, that's sick! I'm never using you again!"

"_Not necessarily. I mean, sometimes I wind up being used by different people. You're just a dime a dozen, you know?"_

"Tch! You're… such a player! You know what; I think it's time we got some new towels or something, because I really didn't want to know."

"_I think your brother is my favorite."_

"…You didn't say that. Tell me you didn't."

"_Yeah, I can't deny it; I did. Oh, sure, Temari has the tendency to use me, although she prefers other towels, it seems. Gaara's body feels just right. I mean, then there's you, and I had this other Shikamaru guy use me once and between you and me that was a little awkward because I'm not used to strangers, but Gaara… he's my favorite."_

"…" Kankurou was at a loss for what to say. Instead, he acted. He forgot all about covering the last shard of his decency and stomped towards the gruesome towel, glaring at its ugly green hue and snarling. "You've just crossed the line with that one. I don't care how 'inanimate' you think you are, but you're not getting away with feeling up my brother, y'understand? Because that's intolerable and I'd rather burn all the towels in the cupboard before subjecting him to your perversion!" He threw the towel across the hall and atop the stairs, scowling and bending his eyebrows down in fury.

All of a sudden, he broke into a smirk. "Yeah, that's what I thought." He straightened out and climbed the stairs to reach for the repulsive article of bath supplies. "I'm destroying you once and for all. You'll never see Gaara again!"

"_Oh God…"_

"It's that easy!" He walked, jeering at the towel the entire trip to the kitchen. Now, that visual is strange enough to behold in itself, but with the additional idea that he was totally naked was enough to make a grown man cry. He laughed manically as he flipped on the switch close to the sink and heard a grinding, grumbling whir emitted from below the drain's loins. The towel began sobbing and pleading for just a little bit of mercy, but Kankurou would have none of it. He fisted a corner of the cloth down the dark pit of whirling knives and felt a great rush of relief when the blades snagged the towel and took it into its realm of painful horror. Kankurou was Satan, and the garbage disposal was his oven. "You gonna touch Gaara now? What? I can't hear you behind the screams of terror! What?" He giggled.

And when Temari saw this, she had decisive evidence that Kankurou could no longer be sane. The sight of her own brother without any clothes on made her lunch beg to come out, but his actions were even more astonishing. "Kankurou!" she gasped, debating whether she should run over or not, her feet edging back and forth hesitantly. "You're wrecking the garbage disposal! Are you listening- G-Gaara!" She took initiative and swung her body around to run away, her feet pounding outside the house to make a mad dash for the Kazekage's office. This matter had blown out-of-proportion. That was a complete understatement, by the way.

Once Temari reached the building, which was conveniently close to being called next-door, she flew through the structure of it without bothering to notice her lack of shoes or the scrutinizing stares of government officials. Finally, she had climbed all the way up to the office at the top, bursting inside and panting as she approached the desk, Gaara's expression made of wonder and expectancy, but showing only in his dark-rimmed eyes. "Temari?"

"Ah, Gaara…" Her hand collapsed upon the edge of his desk. Her head fell over to catch breath, and then she looked up at him with her emotive eyes. "I think you're right. There's something wrong with him, I know it!"

Gaara exhaled gently, having held his breath for such an explosive entrance. "Calm down, Temari. I just got here. What is it this time?"

"Kankurou, he- oh God, I don't even want to explain- he was, well… _naked. _And that's not the top of it! He was running a _towel _through the _garbage disposal_! I don't even know what to think anymore! He didn't look like he was kidding, either! What are we going to do, I mean- I thought he was just playing some dumb prank, or maybe the desert heat was frying his brains- that could still be the case, actually… but…" She took a deep breath. "And he was laughing. And saying weird things, like, 'Are you gonna touch Gaara? How do you like me now?' and all this jargon that I couldn't make any sense of. I'm… scared to go back, honestly. That was just a little too weird." She couldn't even look at Gaara anymore. Instead, she glanced at an officer who had walked into the room ready for a report. She knew with some embarrassment that she was taking up the Kazekage's precious time, although for a valid concern.

Gaara nodded his head, staring at the deep wood of his desk in shallow thought. "I see. Well, the only thing I can tell you is to go back home. Make sure he doesn't hurt himself. I'll get to him as soon as I possibly can, but right now I am a little busy." He gave the man a quick, understanding look. "I know you may be reluctant to head back, but it's your duty. And while it's… my duty as well, I have my hands full. Go back and make sure he doesn't get himself into any more trouble."

Temari offered a quick, lopsided smile made of nerves and told him, "Thank you." With that, she left the Kazekage to his work.


	7. Private Caller

For the most part, Kankurou had enough thrill to last him a couple centuries. That being pointed out, said victim of horrendous and unforgettable shame locked himself underground in his lair, never to be viewed in the nude again for all eternity.

Once his sanity had returned during that moment of towel-shredding, the most painful anguish coated him like a cold shower and his face had fallen flat. At that point, he felt the most appropriate definition for his unrequited actions was, 'oh shit…'

In the dark, he had no need to deal with humanity and their scornful eyes or raised brows. Temari had seen what should be unseen. Gaara would know… Yeah, he'd definitely lose friends talking to towels and teddy bears. In such times of crisis, he once again reduced himself to the foolish task of yelling at himself. Had Temari walked by, she'd assume he'd pretended the walls had come alive or something drastic of the sort. No, it wasn't as scary as psychopath!gaara, but this whole experience was coming into close tier with those dreadful memories. Temari was his sole companion in the house so far. She didn't want to admit it, but that disturbing event scared her more than she could accept. It was as though she lived in a mental ward her entire life; first Gaara, now Kankurou.

It was actually fairly easy to live in this house right now. All Kankurou would do was reside in his room, because thankfully, he was ashamed for what he had done. At least he was sane enough to do that. But even then, she wondered what on earth he was doing in there. Perhaps, she thought, it would be best that she never knew.

The moment he finally did emerge, she was not present. All the better. Then again, after all that had happened over the course of those mere seconds, he was at a loss of what to do. His eyes were still growing accustomed to the lighting.

As he was in the middle of wishing he had something productive to do, such as take on a mission or do some task, the phone rang. He waited until after the first ring to actually pursue the irritating device, which sat on the counter expectantly. Once it had accomplished two rings, it was interrupted by Kankurou's hand picking it up and holding it to the side of his face. "Hello?"

"_Hi."_

He slammed it down, albeit crookedly.

There was no denying the fact that this call was a product of his crazy imagination. The damned thing was talking to him as well! No mistake; that voice belonged to one of those creepy household objects. He glared boggle-eyed at the black communication device and pitched his breathing to a higher rate. "No way. Uh, no, not again."

By now, he was near the kitchen. He stared at the cupboards and the refrigerator and listened to his stomach complain. It had been a while since he decided to munch on edibles. The paintless puppeteer shuffled over to the counter and tapped it for a moment before prying the fridge open. His eyes grazed over the contents before the accursed phone began wailing again.

Instinctively, almost, he let go of the refrigerator's handle. "…I hate prank callers."

His hand found the phone again. Then, his ear. "Stop soliciting!" he commanded, then shoved it back into its mouthpiece. Ha. That would teach the stupid phone. He walked away in hopes of making some noodles or reaching for chips.

Before he could once again retrieve a snack, the ringing sounded. _Agh! You've got to be kidding me! _He threw his hands down and stomped his way across that familiar pathway to the telephone, certainly not eager to listen to that _voice. _But then, a thought occurred. If he could get it over with, then perhaps something else wouldn't talk to him. What was worse than a phone? He had other encounters that were likely to be more malignant than this trivial thing.

Here goes. "What?"

"_Stop ignoring me…"_

He snorted. "Why should I?"

"_Because it hurts. How would you feel-"_

"Good. Because personally, I'm sick of all this. Make like me and pretend I don't exist. Stop calling me." He hung up and grumbled about how he would never get a girlfriend like this.

He went ahead and began making himself a cup of instant noodles. He listened to the monotone hum of the radiation that diligently cooked his meal, leaning against the counter and glancing at the phone suspiciously every so often. A minute went by. Nothing. Another minute. Nothing. His ramen was about to be finished, and at this point he ignored the silenced telephone in favor of watching the digits waste away to zero.

_Beeeeeeeep._

_Riiiiiiiiiiiiiing._

Kankurou jolted for the odious phone that dared interrupt him while he made noodles and swiped it off its mouthpiece with a vigor inappropriate for the time and place. He breathed in so sharply that he accidentally snorted. "Hello? What is it now, you stupid fuckhole?"

"…Hey, asswipe. Thanks for the welcome. Temari won't answer her cell. Think you could go get her for me?" Oh, snap. That was the voice of that ridiculously smart-donkey chuunin that they met about two years ago. Ushimaru was his name, right- no, it was Shikamaru. Sometimes Kankurou got his animals mixed up.

"Whoops. Thought you were someone else. Hang on." He left the kitchen for a moment in order to scope for his sister, whose whereabouts were unknown. He called for her a couple of times and then found her. She approached him in the hallways with that awkward look, thanked him for the phone, and walked away, starting her conversation with the Konoha nin. Man, he must have totally screwed up if that's the way she was going to look at him for the rest of her life. Embarrassment flooded his system.

He returned to the kitchen to tend to his steaming noodles. Kankurou removed it from the microwave and walked over to the main room and settled at the low table, turning on the TV so that he had something to do while he ate.

Just when he was about to switch out of the news channel, a small, epic slur of notes began playing. Kankurou blinked for a moment and picked up his cell phone, heart beating faster than he'd like. The ID read 'please pick me up' and he grew even more concerned. _What the hell kind of caller ID is that?_

He answered it, hoping it wouldn't explode or something. "Uh, hello?"

'_Stop toying with me.'_

"Why the hell not?"

"_Because. I have my reasons."_

"Care to tell me those reasons?"

"_Because if you won't let me talk to you, I'll explode."_

Kankurou's worst fear had been realized. His heart grew stone cold and he swore he felt butterflies well up inside his stomach. "You're kidding, right? Who am I talking to?"

"_Me. The phone."_

"But you're the same guy I was talking to earlier."

"_Yeah. But I don't take on the form of just one phone. Let's just say I AM phone. Phone is I. Next time you pick up a phone, think about that for a while."_

"So uh… basically, I'm talking to the phone company? I swear I payed all my bills. I'm supposed to be debt-free."

"_I'd check again if I were you."_

"Goodbye."

"_I'll explode."_

"Fuck." He chucked his phone at the nearest wall and leapt away from the possible explosion, but received nothing but a busted-up cellular device and a waste of a day's pay at least. No, there was no explosion. There wasn't even a spark. Instead, it was a mangled-up piece of chromatic red sheen with a lopsided cover. The puppeteer found himself groaning. "FUCK."

It would be a while before he'd answer another phone again.


End file.
